Food jokes

Some choice food jokes I pulled off (and edited) from the Chowhound message board:

An elderly couple are killed in an accident and find themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo with the sunset beach view, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. That building has the masseuses. If you get hungry, just stop by any of the many fine restaurants located throughout the area."

"Dang it, Thelma," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't gotten hung up on those low-fat bran muffins!"

A man returns from a long trip and feels a little run-down, so he goes to the doctor and asks for a checkup. After a complete examination, the doctor informs him that he has ebola, the black plague, leprosy, malaria, and smallpox.

The man slumps into his chair with shock and asks what should be done.

The doctor replies, "I recommend that you check into the hospital immediately, and I'm putting you on a strict diet of Dover sole, pancakes, and tortillas."

"Will that cure me?" the man asks.

The doctor replies, "Heck if I know, but it's all we can fit under the door."

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper gives the bartender a puzzled look and says, "Why on earth would anyone name a drink 'Bob'?"

A lady walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like an Entendre, please, and make it a double!"

The bartender replies "Ah, so you'd like a big one!" and, well... he gives her one.

A guy walks into a shrink's office and says, "My brother thinks he's a chicken."

The shrink says, "Well, that's terrible."

The guy says, "Well, we just let him keep thinking it."

The shrink asks, "Why?"

"We need the eggs."

Three cowboys are walking through the desert when they see an older Jewish cowboy sitting under a tree. Tired and hungry, one of the cowboys asks the old guy where the nearest town is.

"To the vest, but vahtever you do don't go east near the river because you vill meet a bacon tree."

But the cowboys like bacon a lot and they are very hungry. They figure the old guy just doesn't appreciate bacon, so they head east to the river despite his warning. Upon their arrival, they are attacked by bandits and only one of them is able to leave to get help. He backtracks, finds the old Jewish guy, and says, "A bacon tree? We didn't see a bacon tree! Why didn't you warn us about the bandits? My friends were almost killed."

The old man pulls out his Yiddish - English dictionary and says "Oy, I get so fahmished, I meant hambush. beware of the hambush."

A guy goes to his doctor. He's got carrots in his nose, peas in his ears, and a piece of corn stuck in his bellybutton.

He tells the doctor, "I don't feel so good."

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can see from here that you're not eating right."

A monkey walks into a bar and hops up onto the bar stool. The burly bartender walks over, taken aback to see a monkey in the bar, and says, "Can I help you?"

Spreading his hands on the bar the monkey leans in and grins, "Yeah, ya got any cheese?"

The bartender is annoyed. "No, we don't got any cheese. We got drinks. Ya want a drink?"

The monkey shakes his head and still grinning he hops off the stool and leaves.

The next week the monkey comes back to the same bar and hops up onto a bar stool. The bartender, annoyed, walks over and says, "Can I help you?"

Once again, the monkey leans in close to the bartender and grins, "Yeah, ya got any cheese?"

"I told you last week, we don't got any cheese. We got drinks. If ya don't want a drink get outta here!" The bartender points to the door.

The monkey grins, hops off the stool and leaves.

The very next week the monkey comes back hops up onto a bar stool and waits. The bartender walks over and can barely contain his irritation. Through gritted teeth he says, "Can I help you?"

The monkey grins, "Yeah, ya got any cheese?"

"Now listen here, you little ape. I told you last week and the week before we don't got any cheese, we serve drinks. This is a freaking bar! Now get out of here and don't come back. If you come back in here again and bother me about cheese I'm going to take a hammer and nail those hairy hands right onto the bar!"

Once again, the monkey grins, hops off the stool, and scampers out the door.

Unbelievably, the next week the monkey comes back. He hops up onto a bar stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey, ya got any nails?"

The bartender screams, "No, I don't have any nails, you little idiot!"

The monkey grins. "Good. Ya got any cheese?"

A ham sandwich walks into a bar one day, and the bartender yells, "Hey! We don't serve lunch."

Two Russian immigrants who were living in New York and wanted to be as Americanized as possible. While walking down the street they saw a hot dog stand, they looked at each other in dismay. "They eat dogs in America?"

"We must eat these hot dogs to be Americans."

They buy two hot dogs and go sit on the nearest bench. One Russian unwraps the hot dog, turns to his companion, and says, "Ugh... What part did you get?"

A cannibal, a chef, and a restaurant critic walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"